Astronomy Class

The following is an actual conversation that took place during my sophomore year in college. I would like to preface the following by saying that when it was originally written I had sadly gone back into the closet, forsaking the first love of my life (Sorry Shahar) and was apparently in love with Michelle. Too bad she didn't fall in love with me until we lived together, by which time I was a flaming 'mo again.

Mark: Isn't this pen awesome? I feel like a doctor.

Paige: I think your stolen pen is lovely but once the authorities find out you stole it, I don't think they will let you become a doctor.

M: I don't think that stealing a pen is a punishable crime. If it were people would be arrested in office buildings everyday. I tried to steal a pen from the post office - because that would be a Federal crime and I could spend the rest of my days in cushy Federal prison - but they were all chained down. Is cushy even a word? I'm sure it is - my Dr. pen can't spell words that never were thunk up.

P: If you aren't careful, I am going to shove that Dr. Pen through your temple and put you out of your misery.

M: You have no idea how happy that would make me. 30 mins and I'm about to crack! Ich kaufe dir ein Food Saver, aber kannst du es nicht haben!*

P: If I knew how to say BITCH in German I would, but since I don't I'll just say it in English. BITCH!! I can't believe I am suffering through this class and you are bragging about how you have a Food Saver and I don't.

M: You know I see the words but I just don't comprehend them. I don't speak violence! BITCH!!
P: So why did Shorty do your dishes? What else did you do this weekend? I got to shop all day Sunday and the shitty thing was that I wasn't shopping for me!

M: PAIGE! PAIGE! PAIGE! It's all about PAIGE, isn't it?!?!? I did nothing this weekend. I worked and I watched TV. Shorty did my dishes because I cooked dinner for the 3 Amigos because Michelle was crying about her parents hating her. So much for Mr. Nice Guy. So now I'm being an ass. I'm getting nowhere - I'm totally taking a vow of celibacy (I obviously meant chastity) - that shouldn't be too hard to keep.

P: Are Michelle's parents still making her move back home? That was nice of you to make them dinner...I don't think being an ass is a very good thing to do. Now I have decided that you need therapy to deal with the struggle of being named Fig Newton. I always knew that "My real name is Ryan" stuff was BULLSHIT!

M: SWEET MUTTER VON GOTT! Listen here cracker, I will be an ass if I want to and you will just have to deal with it. Nice guys suck! My real name on my British birth certificate, signed by Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth of you can kiss my ass is Mark Ryan. It's not A. Cookie it's A. Fig Newton VII! So there!

P: How are you going to be an ass? Are you going to call her mean names and throw things at her? Not very nice! It will come back to haunt you. I think I know how his (insert mental arrow pointing at really old, crazy astronomy professor) will be caused. He will be blinded by the light from the overhead projector and go into convulsions and end up having a stroke!

M: I'll give you a stroke! I can be an ass without being verbally abusive. I'm a psych major, remember? I have mental powers.

P: No, you have mental problems...you keep getting them confused. What are you going to do then?

M: Cold shoulder - make her think that I've moved on - I have to look unavailable in order to be desirable. DUH DUMBASS!

P: Yeah because we saw how well that worked the last time Mr. Didn't Even Last A WEEK!

M: No, no, no - I'm still going to talk to her - I just have to seem always having a great time with a hot girl. You wanna volunteer? You would be doing a service to humanity.

P: So you are going to make up a pretend girl which they will never meet? That won't last too long because they are your friends and I am sure they would want to meet her.

M: Which is why she has to be real - which is where you come in. Try to focus here!

P: But doesn't she already know me and know that I have a boyfriend? If you haven't mentioned it to her I am sure Nathan did somewhere in their 20 minute conversation. HA HA!

M: You suck - you could "dump" him conveniently. Maybe Michelle has a thing for Nathan!

P: Maybe! She did ask him to be her lawyer.

And that is why Paige and I almost failed Astronomy. Stay tuned for next week's edition where I will be discussing the pros and cons of crossing a river full of man-eating frogs.

*If anyone actually speaks German they will notice that the grammar in that sentence totally blew, and just to prove I do speak German I am going to take this opportunity to correct it. Here goes: Ich habe dir ein FoodSaver gekauft, du kannst es aber nicht haben!